Criticize my work. Be honest?

Not bad. There are a few nits but nothing overwhelming. It is a good opening in that A: something is happening. You'd be surprised how often this does not happen. B: there's a hook to intrigue a reader to continue reading. If you are serious about expanding your writing and making it even better then I suggest you log onto absolutewrite.com. It is a writers site that will definately improve your work. Good luck and keep writing.